Saturday, December 29, 2012

Still not here....

Well it's official again, I am not so great at this blogging thing. I love reading blogs where they post weekly little tidbits into the lives of the family and ideas and creations they have done. Me I am too busy living to write about it. I never was good at keeping a diary I have quite a few with 2-3 entries then a few months happened without and then 2-3 more entries then another few months or a year or more and then maybe one final entry. I have just never been that person to write things down. I want to be that person.
I want to be allot of people I am not. I want to be the homemaker with a perfect home anyone could visit at anytime with a home made snack ready with the floor vacuumed and the toilet paper full. I want to be the mom whose child(ren) always do amazing projects, science, art whatever just fun amazing projects. I want to the the homeschooling parent whose child does their lessons on their own because they are that smart and can learn on their own (with some parent teaching but mostly self taught). I want to be the family who has it all together, the parents are in love and the children behave with a look. Then again do I really want to be fictional?
I have done some looking at who I am this month. This past month I have had the opportunity to see who I am as an adult. I am the volunteer at church not afraid to do a job that is familiar, but uncomfortable. I am the daughter who climbs in the garage storage to find the Christmas stockings. I am the sister who when you break your foot becomes your taxi no matter what that does to her schedule. I am the granddaughter who decorates your house for Christmas, come over on the 22nd to set the table and make sure the dishes we need are easily available. On Christmas day I am Santa, I am the decision maker, I am the dishwasher, I am the cook, I am the one people ask for an answer. After Christmas I again am the granddaughter who makes sure everything is cleaned up and put the decorations away. I am the mom who likes to take her daughter places. I am the friend who makes sure when I am in the area I try and see you. I am me.
My house is not clean, my family is not perfect, my life is a mess at times, but I am me. I like that I am the one to call when you need something done. However I also need to prioritize and limit my time away from my immediate family.
Next month my husband comes first, I will ask if he thinks I should or should not do something for someone in my family.  I will look to see what doing something means to our school schedule. I will again be the parent/teacher I need to be for my daughter. One lesson we will be learning together is how to prioritize and make time for our necessities over others. It might mean school on the road, or saying no to something important but not more important than school. We will see who I will be next month...

Quiver full...

I wrote this post awhile ago.  I didn't publish it for various reasons one being I felt petty. However the more events that happen in my life the more this issue of being a mom of one comes up. As my daughter gets older it gets harder to think about starting over, but I also would be so happy to have more so with that intro here is an old post... 
It's no secret I love kids. I love playing with them, teaching them and generally being around them. My husband is okay with them. Before we had Joy if anyone asked how many kids we wanted I would tell them I want no less than 2 and my husband wants no more than 2. So sounded like 2 was the answer.
When we started "trying" in 2004 after my graduation it was less trying than just not preventing. Then in September 2005 we learned we were pregnant only to learn less than a week later we had a miscarriage. After that we "tried" and got pregnant fairly quickly. Joy was born in September 2006.
I knew I wanted an age difference of about 3 years. So we waited the 3 years to start "trying" again. Again it was less trying than just letting things happen and not preventing. I suspected I was pregnant in August 2009, but also knew within a couple days I was having another miscarriage.
I was certain after the second miscarriage that it should happen like before we would soon start trying and have our 2nd child 9 months later. God had a different plan.
Why am I sharing this now, well it is an odd story, but something I want to share. I am still wanting another child. We are still not preventing. However, we don't have our second child. I am the only one from my mom group in Clear Lake with only one child. My homeschool co-op has one other family that I know of that has only one child, but they are currently working on adopting more.
The real trigger is today is a friend's daughter's 2nd birthday.  What does this have to do with me? It was a girl's night out and this friend, another mom and myself were talking, and this friend (who at the time was the one of two other moms in our group with only one child) stated she wasn't sure what she would do if she did not get pregnant in 2-3 months like they did with their first child. So I knew she was trying and had the thought in my head, how nice it would be to share my pregnancy and have kids close in age with her. Fast forward 2 years and nine months... She has a daughter who turned 2 today. I still have one child.
Jealousy stinks. I have to be honest I am jealous. I am jealous of everyone with more than one child. I am even jealous of those with one child who are happy with the one. I want to be happy with one. I love my one, and I am happy with her, I just feel I would be happier with more.