Wednesday, March 28, 2007

6 months and counting

In theory I was going to sit and write this blog last Wednesday or Thursday. Joy had her 6 month birthday on Monday, but I was waiting until her doctor's appointment on Wednesday to update everyone. The hold up was Joy did not have a good Wednesday appointment as I hoped, and was fussy after her shots so I never really had a chance to sit and write. I was too upset about her still not making the doctor happy with her weight gain. I don't want to spoil everything in the first paragraph so to learn more you must read more...

Joy's first half a year was very good she is learning more each day. In fact on the Saturday before her 6 month birthday she would roll over after a couple seconds of sitting on her bottom. On Sunday she miraculously would go for about half a minute at time and then tumble over. Monday she would go about a minute sometimes a little less sometimes a little more. Tuesday is where she really shocked me. We had her 6 month pictures and she sat through the entire photo session. One time she looked like she might tumble and I righted her in the first couple minutes of the shoot, but after that she sat up nice and pretty all on her own! I was amazed with her! She's such a big girl!! That is Joy's little milestone miracle.

Joy has also become very adapt at reaching for everything! While on the floor she will look at a toy and reach for it grabbing it about 75% of the time. While in our laps she will grab at whatever we have in our hands in addition to her. She really loves to grab at our drinks and she doesn't care what is in the cup she has almost had a taste of Dr. Pepper more than once. If I am drinking water, I gladly try and share some with her, only to get a look like hey Mom what are you doing I just want to lick this thing. It is awful cute, I think Daddy has some pictures of her doing this, if not we will make sure we get some.

Joy had her 6 month appointment at the doctor on Wednesday last week. She weighed 13lbs, 10oz, which is 5oz more than 2 weeks ago, but the doctor was still not impressed. Apparently she is in the 10-20% for her weight and 50% for her height. All I know is she is doing what she is supposed to be doing so I am happy about that. If she wasn't I would be more of a nervous wreck than I already am. Anyway the rest of the appointment went fine. Joy got her shots and did pretty good with only a little fussing and unhappiness for about 24 hours. I left the appointment okay, but not completely happy. I was looking for an okay she did great you can stop the formula feedings. Instead I was asked how much she was getting and when I did it, and didn't get a firm continue or don't continue from the doctor. Well guilt got to me on Friday after Joy had been a little fussy after eating all day Thursday and I called and asked the doctor should I be continuing the formula feedings. The answer was what I feared yes I should still be doing that. So we started again, and Joy screams every time. I am not doing it as much as I should if we are out I don't do it, if we have company I don't always do it. Also if I don't want to I don't do it. I know this is bad, and I have this battle raging in my head, which is worse strapping her down and forcing this formula into her (ask anyone who has seen me do it it's horrible) or letting her starve. I asked if their were any better ways to do this other than the syringe, and the nurse (who I love) didn't really have any great suggestions. I also asked if it would be better just to formula feed her since I apparently can't give her all she needs. Wouldn't a couple days of fighting to get her to learn to eat/drink from a bottle be better than this baby torture every 3 hours? The nurse said as long as I was willing to continue to breast feed. I am continuing and as of this afternoon I am determined to give her the formula every feeding (except middle of the night).

Pray for me as this is tearing me up I hate it. I feel like a bad mom that I can't feed my child. It is a combination of many things in my head. The obvious being that I don't have the milk anymore, I am sure it's something I have done that has created the shortage of milk. I also feel guilty for her not taking a bottle. She took one at one point, but while trying to figure out what I ate that was making her fussy I stopped the bottles and now she refuses them. It's also so hard to make her take the formula, she screams like she does for shots, but unlike shots it lasts allot longer, and she gets this look in her eyes like why mommy why. I can't answer it either, it is killing me to do it, but I love my doctor and trust this is the right thing.

I am sure you are thinking what about solids, how is that going. Well when I thought she wasn't eating before I was wrong, I could at least get 1-2 spoonfuls in her before. Now I can get nothing to go in her mouth. She is very adapt at closing her mouth and keeping it closed. She won't even taste what I have for her. So I am taking a vacation from the solids for a few days. I know I am tense about trying to feed her and that doesn't help anything. So I am stopping why should I continue to waste time and money on this food she doesn't eat. I plan to start up again when I think I can do it without feeling pressure to make her eat. Another part of this whole thing and feeding her like I have been is I have in the back of my head this terrible thought that because I am doing this forcing her to eat and not letting her figure this stuff out she will have the same eating problems I do. I don't want her to struggle with weight all her life, I want eating to be a good thing, and not something horrible, but that is what it is right now something horrible.

On that note she is awake from her nap, and it's time for her to eat. Pray for us.
The picture is Joy playing with her cousin Clarissa

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