I am one of those that holds her emotions. I don't recommend it, but it's how I do it. In 1993 my Grandfather died on January 3rd, the next week I had reserved the dance room to practice my solo for my final. When I got in the room a group of girls were practicing in there. Not a big deal, but it was the straw that broke the camels back. I wept! It wasn't about not getting to be alone in the dance room, it was my grandfather had died, my sister went back to college, and it was almost finals week, and then on top of all that this little thing (and easy to fix) was what finally broke me down.
Today is my birthday. Saturday at midnight while my car was sitting in it's usual parking spot under the window of my bedroom outside my garage it was hit. Not in a normal easy way just a parking lot bump, the accident was labeled as major by the sheriff's officer. My car was pushed 3-4 feet from it's parking spot into the pilar which holds up my balcony, into the garage and also broke the outside wall around the garage door. Monday I took a family member to a doctor to get answers to some lingering questions about her health. I didn't get answers, but I got confirmation something's wrong now to figure out what and where to go next. Things are also crazy with a few other things, but I've already said too much. Just know that as I sit here tonight I feel no matter which way I look I see chaos.
My birthday is the straw that broke this camels back. I don't care about age, I'm 37 today I have no fear to say that. I have a dairy allergy and because of that I didn't get to have a cake or a special sweet today. I had plans last week to make something for myself, but because of my life it didn't happen. That's the straw this time. It's ridiculous compared to the way more important things happening in my life, but it's what sent me to tears tonight. Today it was the straw. Tomorrow I will go back to being strong and taking care of everyone, but today I am going to cry about not getting my birthday sweet. That's not really what I'm crying about, but it's what I'm going to say if you ask me, it's nothing, but really it's everything.
That's me being real...Don't feel sorry for me I am not in despair. I have Jesus, I know how the story ends, and I know I am an alien in this world. I have hope in Christ and I know I was not promised an easy life, the Bible doesn't tell me this will be an easy life in fact it tells me Satan will attack me. My hope is I know I must be doing something right because Satan won't leave me alone. I keep trucking on and praying for respite, but then again if Satan's not attacking you aren't a worthy enemy.
Just my thoughts now before I chicken out hitting publish....