Opportunities....

Yesterday on facebook I posted "Overwhelmed with the possibilities in my life right now. Some good some scary, all potential for growth!" I think this sums up my life at this point. It seems like I have opportunities where I can choose to go down different paths and some I don't want to go down, but I travel as a sense of duty to family. Others I am excited about and want to travel, but also think it might be best to wait until the other paths show where they are going. 
In an effort to not say too much, but also not be too cryptic here's a little of what's going on.... 

Family: 
My family member is having some memory issues and I have become the point person in this process of figuring out what is going on, is it strokes, is it Alzheimer's, is it reversible, is it permanent, is it ongoing, is it progressive.... So many questions and so many doctors needed to help understand this. Oh and the family member does not see the need for alarm that the family or the doctors see. 

My husband's family member's spouse is quite ill, we got a call this week he has lost his color. This might not seem like a big deal maybe a few days off to go to a funeral, but this spouse is the primary caretaker of one who has memory issues from a previous cancer. It doesn't help they are far from any family because the spouse has pushed everyone away. When the spouse passes away it will be a big mess of dealing with many things of the family member's health and getting her to a better location, probably without her wanting to move. Last time we visited because the spouse was going to die it was not a happy ending. 

In addition to the above I feel the need to care for others who are in my family when they have problems. My husband (wisely) says I do too much for them, but that's who I am the nurturer and caretaker. I do what I would want done for me. 

School: 
The other opportunity which I am excited about is I belong to a national co-op. This year I have tutored and I love it. I had thought last year that this next year I might take on a bigger role and try and direct at a campus. However, with the family stuff looming I fear taking on too much, but I also really want to do this. 

Church: 
I love volunteering with the church on a regular basis. I have in the past done a little of everything, and since moving and getting to know our new church I am working on trying to find my volunteer positions that work for both me and the church. I had tried teaching at a special program on Wednesday nights, but the timing was different than the regular kids programs and became too much. In addition our co-op meets on Thursdays so Wednesday prepping for church and school was a little much. I am helping with an upcoming special event, and have been asked to help with greeting in the children's area on Sunday mornings. I like the idea of that as it takes no prep! I will check it out this Sunday and see if it works. 

Is that enough? I might have said too much in some places, but I need to share with people and bounce ideas and lament happenings. I am woman! I also like things with clear direction and the top two family situations are definitely without clear direction and I can't predict what will or won't happen next week. Prayer is the answer for now. I pray God will lead me in the right direction and I won't take on things that are not for me at this time.

facebook keeps asking me questions...

I have noticed recently the little questions facebook is asking me... How are you feeling, Donna? How is it going? What's on your mind? I realize these questions have been there awhile, but it has struck me this week as I stare at my empty status bar. Does anyone on facebook really care how I am feeling, how it's going or what's on my mind? If I truthfully answered those questions what would people think? You got a small piece of my crazy with my last post. Here are some of my status updates that never made it to facebook....

How am I feeling?  I am feeling kinda crappy because facebook is the only one to ask me how I am feeling. (By the way if you know me and I know you read this asking me how I feel anytime soon will not seem genuine even if you mean it to be)

How is it going? Well my car was totaled, a family member is sick and doesn't see it, another family member needs help, and I have done all I can but I don't think it's enough, my husband is neglected because of all of the above, and we have only done 3 math lessons this year.

What's on my mind? My mind is full, full of the what if's and the how do I, and the what have I done wrong questions that plague us when things aren't perfect, it's all a hug jumble up there.

I could go on all day with truthful answers to these questions, but they get more detailed and that's where I have to stop. That's why nothing actually makes it to facebook I filter the truth, because I am friends with friends of not only me but those I want to talk about, but it's not public information yet. Until then the filter must remain.

The Straw that Broke this Camel's Back...

I am one of those that holds her emotions. I don't recommend it, but it's how I do it. In 1993 my Grandfather died on January 3rd, the next week I had reserved the dance room to practice my solo for my final. When I got in the room a group of girls were practicing in there. Not a big deal, but it was the straw that broke the camels back. I wept! It wasn't about not getting to be alone in the dance room, it was my grandfather had died, my sister went back to college, and it was almost finals week, and then on top of all that this little thing (and easy to fix) was what finally broke me down.
Today is my birthday. Saturday at midnight while my car was sitting in it's usual parking spot under the window of my bedroom outside my garage it was hit. Not in a normal easy way just a parking lot bump, the accident was labeled as major by the sheriff's officer. My car was pushed 3-4 feet from it's parking spot into the pilar which holds up my balcony, into the garage and also broke the outside wall around the garage door. Monday I took a family member to a doctor to get answers to some lingering questions about her health. I didn't get answers, but I got confirmation something's wrong now to figure out what and where to go next. Things are also crazy with a few other things, but I've already said too much. Just know that as I sit here tonight I feel no matter which way I look I see chaos.
My birthday is the straw that broke this camels back. I don't care about age, I'm 37 today I have no fear to say that. I have a dairy allergy and because of that I didn't get to have a cake or a special sweet today. I had plans last week to make something for myself, but because of my life it didn't happen. That's the straw this time. It's ridiculous compared to the way more important things happening in my life, but it's what sent me to tears tonight. Today it was the straw. Tomorrow I will go back to being strong and taking care of everyone, but today I am going to cry about not getting my birthday sweet. That's not really what I'm crying about, but it's what I'm going to say if you ask me, it's nothing, but really it's everything.
That's me being real...Don't feel sorry for me I am not in despair. I have Jesus, I know how the story ends, and I know I am an alien in this world. I have hope in Christ and I know I was not promised an easy life, the Bible doesn't tell me this will be an easy life in fact it tells me Satan will attack me. My hope is I know I must be doing something right because Satan won't leave me alone. I keep trucking on and praying for respite, but then again if Satan's not attacking you aren't a worthy enemy.
Just my thoughts now before I chicken out hitting publish....

Nothing and everything to say.

I have stories. Life is happening this month! They aren't all my stories to tell. My life is intertwined with my sister's and my mom's but I don't have the right to tell their stories. Maybe sometime I will get permission to tell you all about my extended families lives. Until I can tell you their stories (if ever) all I can say now is life is happening.
I am an Aunt again, although it feels more like a first. My first niece is my husband's sister's daughter. She has been my niece since I got married. I didn't meet her until we went to visit his family in Missouri and then it was a short visit with them. I really don't know my first niece. She is expecting her own child later this year. I also have 2 nieces from my brother. I think I can claim them, I have never met them, they also are much older girls. My brother is really a step brother, and the girls are his step daughters. If they were closer I might claim them more, but it's hard when they are so far physically and distant from my bloodline.
My new niece is my sister's I knew of her 7 months ago. I saw her (from afar) on her birthday. I held her the first day she came home. She will be the cousin my daughter knows best. This is the part where I wonder what I should and shouldn't tell. She was born early, and although she and my sister were fine I was at the hospital and my sister's house to help/be company for my sister 4 days last week. This week I had to choose to limit myself. The help isn't not needed this week, but I needed to live my life and take care of my immediate family.
The stories are out there, but they aren't mine to tell. Next week I have another big one, but I can't say anything. Sorry like I said everything and nothing to say.

Still not here....

Well it's official again, I am not so great at this blogging thing. I love reading blogs where they post weekly little tidbits into the lives of the family and ideas and creations they have done. Me I am too busy living to write about it. I never was good at keeping a diary I have quite a few with 2-3 entries then a few months happened without and then 2-3 more entries then another few months or a year or more and then maybe one final entry. I have just never been that person to write things down. I want to be that person.
I want to be allot of people I am not. I want to be the homemaker with a perfect home anyone could visit at anytime with a home made snack ready with the floor vacuumed and the toilet paper full. I want to be the mom whose child(ren) always do amazing projects, science, art whatever just fun amazing projects. I want to the the homeschooling parent whose child does their lessons on their own because they are that smart and can learn on their own (with some parent teaching but mostly self taught). I want to be the family who has it all together, the parents are in love and the children behave with a look. Then again do I really want to be fictional?
I have done some looking at who I am this month. This past month I have had the opportunity to see who I am as an adult. I am the volunteer at church not afraid to do a job that is familiar, but uncomfortable. I am the daughter who climbs in the garage storage to find the Christmas stockings. I am the sister who when you break your foot becomes your taxi no matter what that does to her schedule. I am the granddaughter who decorates your house for Christmas, come over on the 22nd to set the table and make sure the dishes we need are easily available. On Christmas day I am Santa, I am the decision maker, I am the dishwasher, I am the cook, I am the one people ask for an answer. After Christmas I again am the granddaughter who makes sure everything is cleaned up and put the decorations away. I am the mom who likes to take her daughter places. I am the friend who makes sure when I am in the area I try and see you. I am me.
My house is not clean, my family is not perfect, my life is a mess at times, but I am me. I like that I am the one to call when you need something done. However I also need to prioritize and limit my time away from my immediate family.
Next month my husband comes first, I will ask if he thinks I should or should not do something for someone in my family.  I will look to see what doing something means to our school schedule. I will again be the parent/teacher I need to be for my daughter. One lesson we will be learning together is how to prioritize and make time for our necessities over others. It might mean school on the road, or saying no to something important but not more important than school. We will see who I will be next month...

Quiver full...

I wrote this post awhile ago.  I didn't publish it for various reasons one being I felt petty. However the more events that happen in my life the more this issue of being a mom of one comes up. As my daughter gets older it gets harder to think about starting over, but I also would be so happy to have more so with that intro here is an old post... 
It's no secret I love kids. I love playing with them, teaching them and generally being around them. My husband is okay with them. Before we had Joy if anyone asked how many kids we wanted I would tell them I want no less than 2 and my husband wants no more than 2. So sounded like 2 was the answer.
When we started "trying" in 2004 after my graduation it was less trying than just not preventing. Then in September 2005 we learned we were pregnant only to learn less than a week later we had a miscarriage. After that we "tried" and got pregnant fairly quickly. Joy was born in September 2006.
I knew I wanted an age difference of about 3 years. So we waited the 3 years to start "trying" again. Again it was less trying than just letting things happen and not preventing. I suspected I was pregnant in August 2009, but also knew within a couple days I was having another miscarriage.
I was certain after the second miscarriage that it should happen like before we would soon start trying and have our 2nd child 9 months later. God had a different plan.
Why am I sharing this now, well it is an odd story, but something I want to share. I am still wanting another child. We are still not preventing. However, we don't have our second child. I am the only one from my mom group in Clear Lake with only one child. My homeschool co-op has one other family that I know of that has only one child, but they are currently working on adopting more.
The real trigger is today is a friend's daughter's 2nd birthday.  What does this have to do with me? It was a girl's night out and this friend, another mom and myself were talking, and this friend (who at the time was the one of two other moms in our group with only one child) stated she wasn't sure what she would do if she did not get pregnant in 2-3 months like they did with their first child. So I knew she was trying and had the thought in my head, how nice it would be to share my pregnancy and have kids close in age with her. Fast forward 2 years and nine months... She has a daughter who turned 2 today. I still have one child.
Jealousy stinks. I have to be honest I am jealous. I am jealous of everyone with more than one child. I am even jealous of those with one child who are happy with the one. I want to be happy with one. I love my one, and I am happy with her, I just feel I would be happier with more.

Not so good at this...

If you haven't noticed I am not so good at this. It's something I want to do and want to be good at, but in reality it just isn't a priority for me to blog.
That being said I do want to have a record of things in my life and this seems like a good medium. The downfall is it's a public medium so as many will tell you don't publish anything private. So that is where I am today in this in between of wanting to share something happening in my life and keeping it a private matter. It's not something that is solely about me (that I have no problem publishing). It is about someone I love. I want to tell the world what is going on so that I could possibly get some help or support. Then I think I don't want this person to be embarrassed over my sharing her information.
That is where I am today. I can't say more, but I want to shout it out so I can have support! Just pray this will all turn out in a way that I can deal with.